Thank you

Real success is finding your lifework in the work that you love.

- David McCullough



I am so full of emotion and so thankful this morning. As a writer, it is so encouraging to know that I have a voice that people want to hear. I have a voice that resonates with the souls of others. What a beautiful gift God has given me...the gift of words. I just wanted to thank you all for reading my blog and making me feel as if my writings have a place and a purpose. That spilling my emotions on a weekly basis, exposed for the entire world to see and ridicule, if they so choose, is welcomed and celebrated.

Thanks for giving me an audience to not only air my sometimes dirty laundry, but for giving me an outlet for the innermost workings of my soul-spirit...

Peace & Blessings,

Jameka

Let the Courtship Begin

I generally have a tendency not to take men and what they say too seriously. So when I receive compliments from men, I thank them, I may flirt a little, but I always keep it moving. It's just easier that way. That way you never have to worry about separating the sincere guys from the not so sincere guys because if you simply put everyone in the same category, then the cream will eventually rise to the top...and boy, is that definitely happening to me right now.

The good men are coming out of the woodwork. When I say good men, I mean those who are spirtually aware, have ambition, have jobs (I hate to be that way, but I'm 30 years old with a mortgage, a man with a job is crucial) and are not afraid to show me that they want me. What's amazing to me is that they are all just as busy as I am, but they make sure to keep themselves under my radar so to speak. I admire that. For instance, brother #1 told me recently that he wants it known that he is checking for me. He said that although he is not ready for a serious commitment right at this moment, he's coming for me when the time is right. I laughed and asked him if I was supposed to just wait on him...and he said the right words...If God has ordained us to be together, that when I am ready to give you everything you need, you will be single and everything will work itself out perfectly. And this is from a guy who hates long distance relationships but is willing to make an exception for me. Do you know how special that makes me feel...Unfortunately, I don't have feelings for this man. What's a little disheartening is that the guy that I do love (yeah I said it...still scary to say it out loud), is in a similar situation with being busy and trying to build a stronger foundation careerwise has never once said that he actually wanted to be with me...never...he's said that he cares a lot about me, that I'm a great person, guys would be thrilled to have me in their life, but he has never once said that when he gets himself to a point where he wants someone in his life that he wants that person to be me. That's real. Dammit. I did it again. I fell for the unattainable man. Maybe I imagined the spark, the comfort and the connection between us. Very possible, considering I am quite imaginative, lol.

Nevertheless, I promised that I was going to just let go and see what happens...and that's still my intention. You can't force people to be anything other than who they are and who they are meant to be:-) People aren't perfect and that's what I love about being human---there's room for mistakes and even more room for redemption.

Sometimes It's Just Hard

As most of you are well aware, I have a lot projects that I am working on. For instance, I have a 5,000 word assignment due by Aug. 30, and I only have about 1500 words so far. Not to mention a presentation to finish putting together as well as laying the foundation for SOTAC's newest venture, which I alluded to in previous entries, a model management division. It's hard for me to admit, but I need some assistance on one aspect of what I'm doing...I need a manager/agent for my acting and modeling endeavors. I'm represented by one agency down here in Charlotte, and no offense to the CEO of that company, but he is not doing that much to help me. He has said he has a few deals for me, but I haven't seen any paper work or follow up. And although the new managemnt company is going to be a great look, I cannot represent myself. I'm tired and I can't keep up anymore. I need a cheerleader, agent, manager, encourager...something. It's amazing how some people never have to ask for help, it is just offered to them, whereas I find myself in the position of having to ask, which is extremely difficult for me to do. But if no one is offering, sometimes you just have to bite the bullet. I mean, this is ridiculous, I have a marketing and promotions company that represents me, a personal assistant, I had a publicist...who has now forgotten about me I think (which reminds me, Tamara you taking on any modeling/acting clients, if so, I need you, lol)...but a manager would be ideal right about now. Sounds like a lot of people, maybe, but with my other work I need the assistance. Plus to make it in this industry, it takes a team...it takes strong strategic marketing, and it takes branding. I am great at assisting others with their careers, now I need someone like me to help me with mine.

Sometimes I believe that if people didn't see me as such a good businesswoman, I might get more assistance. I keep telling people to get on board now, before I really take off, lol.

The "L" Words-Love & Letting Go

I've had this blog entry on my heart for about a month now, but I've been afraid to write it...but ya'll know me, sooner or later, it had to come out.

As I stated in one of my recent entries, my freak out about relationships is over...but I had to ask myself why am I okay all of a sudden? Nothing has really changed... the same obstacles and roadblocks remain in my path preventing me from having a serious relationship with this person. He's still not ready, I'm still not ready...so why am I at peace? Well, other than the fact that Jesus is in my life and calms me down when I get a bit anxious about things...it dawned on me...and I tremble as I write this, I love this person. I love this person so much that petty relationship woes don't matter. And this goes beyond that silly, butterflies in my stomach lust and infatuation...this is the kind of love that is only reserved for family and friends you have known since you were too young to know any better. The kind where you only want them to be happy, whether that includes you in their life or not. I'm so blessed y'all, I have a man in my life who is really and truly my friend--no ulterior motives...is honest and knows how to keep it real when he communicates. And I'm honestly cool if nothing romantic happens between us. Will I be disappointed? Sure. Will it take me time to get over it? Of course. Will I stop loving him as my friend? Never. Once that feeling has taken root in my heart, it doesn't disappear...it may grow and develop into something more, but it will never go away. In terms of the men that I have dated and been involved with I have only been in love twice--my college boyfriend and my ex-boyfriend of 3 + years. I knew it then...and I know it now.
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Now here's the difficult part---Letting go. If I were to tell this person that I really loved him, he would (1) Look at me like I was out of my mind...(2) Run away as quickly as possible (can you blame him, the brother already said he doesn't want a relationship, lol)...and (3) Distance himself for fear of hurting my feelings...so that means that I am going to keep my silence for once (I know, I know, virtually impossible for Jameka but I will in fact, do just that). I know he cares about me, but love...that I doubt very much...not that I question my appeal or anything, but because of my past experiences with men who say they love me, I'm not so optimistic at the prospect that my feelings may actually be returned. The saying goes, "let go and let God," and that is precisely what I intend to do. From this moment on, I'm letting go...no pressure at all...I'm just gonna sit still, wait on God and see what happens...This should definitely be interesting.

P.S. Wishing my girl Silky a speedy recovery, I'm still praying for you girl. Get Well Soon!

DMV Nightmare/Updates/Being Ignored

DMV Nightmare

Arrival Time: 1:30 p.m.

Departure Time: 4:30 p.m.

Believe it or not, yesterday was the first time I was able to wait patiently at the Department of Motor Vehicles. Usually I am fidgeting like crazy, checking the time incessantly like a mad woman and rolling my eyes each time someone else's name is called before mine. I try to limit my visits to this horrendous (for lack of a better word) place, but the state of North Carolina aint no joke...and they will get you for something or another every time. Yesterday, I was sentenced to the place that time forgot because I had a 24-hour lapse in car insurance. ARRRRGGGHHHH! I forgot to pay my lovely bill on time because I was in the process of moving and closing on my house so it completely slipped my mind. Because of this oversight, I had to suffer in the waiting area, sitting in the midst of the most noxious body odor that I have ever had the misfortune to experience. I wish I could say that the odor only came from one person...but alas, no--It came from at least three grown a@# men whose wives, girlfriends, mommas, sisters or lovers need to be physically assualted for allowing these men to walk out of the house smelling like a colorful mixture of stale beef jerky, sweaty gym socks and sour cow's milk...and I'm being generous about the odor. I seriously felt as if I was going to pass out. Indeed the oven-like heat didn't help matters. It's one thing to be funky for no good reason out in public, but you take it to a whole new level when you are funky in public during a heatwave--completely socially unacceptable.

I'd also like to know why young mothers (especially) think that it is "ok" for them to bring their children out in public simply wearing a diaper. For example, while still at the DMV (sitting on arguable the most uncomfortable place chairs imaginable, rival only to those at the Food Stamp office aka Department of Social Services...don't be surprised people, I know about Food Stamps, lol) this very attractive young African American woman walked in. Hair & nails were done. Make-up was flawless. She wore this cute black and white sundress that really accentuated this woman's shape. Easy going smile. The male employees could not seem to focus on anything other than her ample cleavage. I was digging her black stiletto sandals. Homegirl was so cute and totally in diva mode. I was about to give her props on her outfit and presentation when something stopped me dead in my tracks...I looked down and saw her toddler. Why did this seemingly well put together female have the nerve to leave out of the house with her 2 year old wearing nothing but a diaper and old tattered sandals. The child's braids were dirty, the ends were loose and full of lint. She looked like a million dollars and her child looked a hot mess. WHY? I would never leave the house with my child looking like she belongs in a shelter for wayward girls, but I look like I just stepped out of a limo....so trife.

What I learned from DMV- It's a microcosm. Regardless of your status, income or gender--all must suffer the same indignities that the DMV generously offers all patrons. DMV is both numb and impartial when it comes to your background or walk of life. In a sense, I guess it's good to know there are still places where everyone is treated equally, lol.

Updates

I think I mentioned this before, but the new website is in development (www.jameka-shamae.com). I'm excited about it because I have been shooting like crazy since the beginning of the year, only leaking a few pics here and there. I'm having fun with this whole modeling/acting aspect of my career. I have a ball during photo shoots...and paid work is coming along slowly but surely. I have a few auditions coming up soon that I'm excited about, including one in DC (Darryl, if you read this, get at me, I want to see you). I'll let y'all know how that goes one way or another.

I've been getting a lot of freelance writing offers lately. So I'm getting more clients and more clips, which is a beautiful thing. Working for yourself is not a picnic, but I am enjoying the life that God has prepared for me...who am I to complain.


Being Ignored

Granted, I'm horrible about calling people back and returning certain emails (I get a lot), but I absolutely hate it when I feel as if I am being ignored. If I call you, just acknowledge that I called you...even if you are busy, just let me know you got the message. God forbid it was an actual emergency or I really needed to talk:-) But like I said earlier, I can't complain too much. I have some friends who are always there for me...I mean, my best friend is a busy doctor, whose work schedule rivals any person in the entertainment or fashion industry...and even she finds the time to call and check up...even if it is only for a few minutes on her way to work in the morning. That's a good friend. And I do the same for her. And I guess that's why we've been friends since we were 15 years old. Yo KP, I've been knowing you for 15 years...that's so crazy:-)

So those are the thoughts running around in my crazy head. Love each other. Live to love...and most of all give some glory to God. You have to give honor where honor is due, your talent and abilities did not just come from you being lucky or because it was "in the stars." We are all blessed, please remember that.

Changes...Choices...Decisions (August 1, 2006)

The soiree was quite successful. Debony and I put a lot of work into the planning of this event, and I am just so pleased that everything went according to plan. Just want to thank everyone who can out and supported. Now on to the subject at hand...It's decision making time for Ms. Jameka. I have a lot of work to do in terms of the direction of my life, and I have some decisions that I need to make both personally and professionally. Lets start with the easy stuff: professional life. I plan on making a huge announcement by Labor Day in reference to my work with SOTAC and what we have planned for the future. Exciting stuff, believe me, but I just dont want to put it all out there just yet. Also, I should be finished with a major publishing project that I have been working on for one of my clients. I cant wait to share the finished product with all of you.



Now on to the good stuff...after an intense heart to heart with the man I am interested in, I know realize two things: Our feelings for each other are not changing anytime soon. He is a true friend who cares about me unconditionally. There is no doubt where I stand with him. I have absolutely no need to feel threatened by other women in his life. I have no need to feel anxious about the direction of our potential relationship. I'm good. I am still planning on revamping my social life and getting out and about more, but going out and enjoying myself is never going to negate how much I care for this person. When the time is right for us, it'll happen in God's time and it cannot be forced. So I am not going to force it. It is such a great feeling to be secure and happy...my freak out about relationships and men is officially over. I never stopped smiling, but now I feel like I have even more to smile about. God is good.

3 a.m.

Well, it's not exactly three in the morning, but it is early. I've been up since 4:30 a.m. with words on my heart, but unable to get them out. I haven't journaled in awhile, and perhaps, that is part of the problem. I spend so much time on this computer that I have forgotten about the blissful joy of writing...I mean physically writing with pen and pad in hand.

I got my first diary in 6th grade (until then I just used notebooks, scraps of paper, etc...until my mom couldn't take it anymore and purchased an official diary for me). I still have it, it 's red velvet...yup, you read that correctly. It was beautiful. Soft to the touch. I would literally stay up all hours of the night, writing about what happened to me in school...hopes, dreams, fears, my secret crushes (hmmm, seems like I am still flirting with the same storylines that I was when I was 12, but I digress, I'll save the self psychoanalysis for another day).

I chronicled my entire existence in the many jounals I have had since then. I remember when my older brother passed away, and although I didn't really know him, I was able to get shed so much pain and frustration by letting it all out in my special journal. I remember how carthartic it was for me when Shakira, one of my oldest and dearest friends, passed away from Cancer, in her mid twenties--that experience in itself shook me to my core. You see, in high school, me, Khendra and Jontille were pretty much the 4 amigas...We formed a bond that pretty much linked us as sisters for life. So when Shakira passed, part of our collective heart felt as if it was literally ripped out. And I'm not sure why this is hitting me so hard this morning, but I'm in tears as I write this... I guess it is because I have never written about this experience publicly. Shak, as I affectionately called her, was an utter and completely unique individual. She was most definitely a diva and defined class & style. Silly, beautiful and smart...the four of us made quite an interesting group. She was full of life, and kept us all laughing even when she was so weak and sick. I remember when we visited her not too long before she died. Physically, she was so small...but her aura and strength of character shined right on through. I don't think I ever told Khendra and Jontille that I almost lost it during Jontille's wedding because I kept thinking about how Shak should be up there with me and Khendra as bridemaids when Jontille pledged her love for her husband.

God places people in your path for a reason and a season, we never know how long that time will last. If there is anything that I learned from losing one of my closest friends--my sister, is that I refuse to let my life be purposeless. Shak was full of promise and always lived each day to the fullest. God has a purpose for each one of us, and if we continually focus on the negative and not all the goodness that is in each one of our lives (regardless of how bad it may seem) then we are essentially turning our backs on God. I don't know about you, but I need the Lord in my corner...So I guess the moral of today's story is...Love like there is no tomorrow and Live as if today were your last.

Hmmm, looks like I was able to get the words written on my heart out afterall.

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