3 a.m.

Well, it's not exactly three in the morning, but it is early. I've been up since 4:30 a.m. with words on my heart, but unable to get them out. I haven't journaled in awhile, and perhaps, that is part of the problem. I spend so much time on this computer that I have forgotten about the blissful joy of writing...I mean physically writing with pen and pad in hand.

I got my first diary in 6th grade (until then I just used notebooks, scraps of paper, etc...until my mom couldn't take it anymore and purchased an official diary for me). I still have it, it 's red velvet...yup, you read that correctly. It was beautiful. Soft to the touch. I would literally stay up all hours of the night, writing about what happened to me in school...hopes, dreams, fears, my secret crushes (hmmm, seems like I am still flirting with the same storylines that I was when I was 12, but I digress, I'll save the self psychoanalysis for another day).

I chronicled my entire existence in the many jounals I have had since then. I remember when my older brother passed away, and although I didn't really know him, I was able to get shed so much pain and frustration by letting it all out in my special journal. I remember how carthartic it was for me when Shakira, one of my oldest and dearest friends, passed away from Cancer, in her mid twenties--that experience in itself shook me to my core. You see, in high school, me, Khendra and Jontille were pretty much the 4 amigas...We formed a bond that pretty much linked us as sisters for life. So when Shakira passed, part of our collective heart felt as if it was literally ripped out. And I'm not sure why this is hitting me so hard this morning, but I'm in tears as I write this... I guess it is because I have never written about this experience publicly. Shak, as I affectionately called her, was an utter and completely unique individual. She was most definitely a diva and defined class & style. Silly, beautiful and smart...the four of us made quite an interesting group. She was full of life, and kept us all laughing even when she was so weak and sick. I remember when we visited her not too long before she died. Physically, she was so small...but her aura and strength of character shined right on through. I don't think I ever told Khendra and Jontille that I almost lost it during Jontille's wedding because I kept thinking about how Shak should be up there with me and Khendra as bridemaids when Jontille pledged her love for her husband.

God places people in your path for a reason and a season, we never know how long that time will last. If there is anything that I learned from losing one of my closest friends--my sister, is that I refuse to let my life be purposeless. Shak was full of promise and always lived each day to the fullest. God has a purpose for each one of us, and if we continually focus on the negative and not all the goodness that is in each one of our lives (regardless of how bad it may seem) then we are essentially turning our backs on God. I don't know about you, but I need the Lord in my corner...So I guess the moral of today's story is...Love like there is no tomorrow and Live as if today were your last.

Hmmm, looks like I was able to get the words written on my heart out afterall.


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