What Could Have Been, Will Never Be

I don't know where this blog is coming from today, but it's coming from a very deep and emotional place. My mood is indescribable because it's seesawing between grateful and deflated. I'll expound:

I am trying to fight that feeling of doom and gloom that sometimes rears its head when I am trying to stay upbeat and positive. I had such a great week, and then I made the mistake of allowing one statement deflate that great feeling and replaced it with something akin to dispair and pity. That euphoria was quickly replaced with this overwhelming dread that "what could have been, will never be." Yes indeed, I am talking about relationships again. A certain someone often tells me that I think too much. And for once, I think that I am going to agree with him. Why think too much about a situation that only one of you (meaning me) wants to change. He's content with his personal life without me in it, recent events have made that obvious to me. So if that's the case, and I know it is, what's keeping me hopeful that things will work out between us. I've initiated every visit, every trip to spend time together. What has he done? Other than remind me that he's not ready. What really sucks is that I know (I can feel it at my very core) that we would be marvelous together...an absolute great match. However, as cliche as it sounds, love is a two way street, so I am picking up my heart off of the floor, dusting it off and locking it up for safe keeping until He can man up and come get me. If he never comes, he wasn't the one. If he comes, then I will welcome him with open arms because I will know without a doubt that I am what he wants. That doesn't mean that my life stops in the interim, y'all should know me better than that.

So love if you are reading this, consider this my way of saying: I really, really miss you.

BTW- The "courter" is still in the picture vaguely...he lost some brownie points the other day, but all in all, he's still a very nice guy, who, unlike some, is actually making plans to come visit me and has asked me to come and visit him---all without being asked or coerced. Still doesn't mean I want to date him, he recently asked me what he needed to do to be number one in my life. I didn't know what to tell him, it's not as if there is a scoring system, lol.

I can't write anymore, I'm all over the place with this post...and I need to get some sleep before my shoot in the morning. Jan & Jason are going to make me look fabulous, so the least I can do is not have bags under my eyes. Although, I think I will have to stop by Starbucks on my way to the studio. I'll continue this another day


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