Free Falling (without a safety net)

My last boyfriend and I were not a good match because we didn't share a fundamental characteristic...ambition. I had it, he didn't. He was content with just being...and I have always wanted to push myself to the limits of my endurance. I admit it, I love the adrenaline rush of seeing if I can get it all done...Can I handle a relationship while balancing a career, social obligations and all of my other extracurricular activities...These are the million dollar questions of the moment. I want so much, but the real conversation I need to have with myself is, "but do I need it." Do I need everything that I want? Or are my eyes locked on an unattainable future. I suffer from a unique problem, I am ambitious and driven with the soul of a artist, which, simply put, means that I am too in the heck is it possible for me to let the comments the industry critics make about me roll off of my back, yet a simple phone call from the man I am interested in can rattle me beyond belief...Let me explain: have you ever given someone a gift, something that you put a lot of yourself into..only to get a lackluster response in return. There's no real reason why I should feel disappointed, but I do. I gave someone something today that meant a lot...and I'm not sure if the person truly appreciated what it took for me to express myself so intimately...and the person just didn't give me the reaction that I had hoped, I wasn't expecting him to jump up and down, throw up his hands in excitment and throw me a ticker tape parade down Broad street in Richmond...but I has hoping for an acknowledgement of the gift...I didn't even know that he had received it until after I asked him about it. I am so sick of being the pursuer, the romancer...can I be pursued and romanced for once?...I want to receive an email or a call out of the blue saying that "I was thinking of you and just wanted to check up on you." My biggest fear is materializing right before my eyes, that I imagined something that was not really there...Perhaps the comfort, compatibility and passion was a figment of my overactive imagination...WHATEVER, I need to get a grip:) I didn't imagine a thing. I'm just feeling vulnerable because for the first time in a long time, I really, really like someone...and the fact that I am wearing my heart on my sleeve right now and that my emotions are so exposed is scary...but I am going to be honest with you, I wouldn't trade this feeling for anything in the world...I love being open and real about my feelings...or else I wouldn't be me. I have a lot to offer...I'm to a point in my life where I am finally able to appreciate my value and the value I bring to the life of a man who chooses me...and all of the challenges therein...It may not be easy, but it will most definitely be worth the effort in the end...Any one strong enough to take care of my emotional needs will never have to worry about having a shoulder to lean on, a friend when things are bad or an encourager...I give my all...always:)

Life is good. And who am I to complain.


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