I've had this blog entry on my heart for about a month now, but I've been afraid to write it...but ya'll know me, sooner or later, it had to come out.
As I stated in one of my recent entries, my freak out about relationships is over...but I had to ask myself why am I okay all of a sudden? Nothing has really changed... the same obstacles and roadblocks remain in my path preventing me from having a serious relationship with this person. He's still not ready, I'm still not ready...so why am I at peace? Well, other than the fact that Jesus is in my life and calms me down when I get a bit anxious about things...it dawned on me...and I tremble as I write this, I love this person. I love this person so much that petty relationship woes don't matter. And this goes beyond that silly, butterflies in my stomach lust and infatuation...this is the kind of love that is only reserved for family and friends you have known since you were too young to know any better. The kind where you only want them to be happy, whether that includes you in their life or not. I'm so blessed y'all, I have a man in my life who is really and truly my friend--no ulterior motives...is honest and knows how to keep it real when he communicates. And I'm honestly cool if nothing romantic happens between us. Will I be disappointed? Sure. Will it take me time to get over it? Of course. Will I stop loving him as my friend? Never. Once that feeling has taken root in my heart, it doesn't disappear...it may grow and develop into something more, but it will never go away. In terms of the men that I have dated and been involved with I have only been in love twice--my college boyfriend and my ex-boyfriend of 3 + years. I knew it then...and I know it now.
Now here's the difficult part---Letting go. If I were to tell this person that I really loved him, he would (1) Look at me like I was out of my mind...(2) Run away as quickly as possible (can you blame him, the brother already said he doesn't want a relationship, lol)...and (3) Distance himself for fear of hurting my feelings...so that means that I am going to keep my silence for once (I know, I know, virtually impossible for Jameka but I will in fact, do just that). I know he cares about me, but love...that I doubt very much...not that I question my appeal or anything, but because of my past experiences with men who say they love me, I'm not so optimistic at the prospect that my feelings may actually be returned. The saying goes, "let go and let God," and that is precisely what I intend to do. From this moment on, I'm letting go...no pressure at all...I'm just gonna sit still, wait on God and see what happens...This should definitely be interesting.
P.S. Wishing my girl Silky a speedy recovery, I'm still praying for you girl. Get Well Soon!