Church was excellent this morning. For those of you who don't know, I serve as both the administrator and Assistant Sunday School teacher for my church. I love the responsibility, it helps me to stay focus on being a good example and staying on the right track when it comes to how I live my life. As much as we all hate to realize it sometimes, perception is indeed reality for many. That's just the truth of the situation, and that's why it is important for use to govern ourselves accordingly. I didn't make the rules, I simply observe them (notice I never said follow, lol). Many times, people do not have the luxury of waiting for you to explain your actions, their reality is based off of what they see you do...based simply off of your actions. For instance, I really wanted to talk to the "guy" last night. We had not spoken really since Wednesday (this is significant because we have been in the pattern of chatting everyday or at least every other day when we are busy). I didn't have anything specific to tell him about, it's just that I missed him and also my family is going through a stressful time at the moment b/c we have a close family friend in the hospital who is seriously ill...I just needed an outlet to chat other than my family and girlfriends. He makes me feel laugh and feel good, so that's what I was looking for...well of course, he was busy. But even when he is busy, he usually makes time for me...I didn't quite feel all that important to him last night. I played it off, told him it was no big deal, that I would just chat with him later...but it is a big deal. Why is it that I am constantly making apologies for my feelings and acquiescing to his life (he's busy, he's working hard on his career, he doesn't have time for relationships, etc. etc. the list goes on...) Jameka, I had to ask myself, when does this self inflicted torture end? When do you take responsibility for your own heart and say enough is enough? When do I truly let go and let God...I can't let my strong feelings for him be an excuse. I've foolishly allowed him to be both physically and emotionally intimate with me without a committment...have I lost my mind? The answer it yes. I have let my heart rule my head for the last time (at least the last time this month, lol). I may feel differently tomorrow, but for today...I need him to make the next move. When you want something bad enough, you make it happen. You let the other person know what's going on. I've been in this "we care about each other but we are undefined" dance for six months now, and I'm tired. I'm tired of always being the one to make a move. It would be nice to at least have a time table...for instance, I'm not really ready right now, but I care about you...I want you in my life, let's see what happens in a few months...I don't know, something.
I'm just happy I went to service this morning so I could (1) get a grip on reality, (2) Get some joy in my heart, and (3) remember my purpose. I'm not here on earth to glorify myself, I'm here to glorify God. Money, power, fame, etc---yeah, those things are cool, but that's not what it's all about in the grand scheme of things. My life is about love. Love for God first and then love for those I truly care about. My love for my friends and even "the guy" is a clear manifestation of God's love. If I didn't love God first, I would not be able to love myself, much less anyone else. The message today was coming from Mark 10: 46-52 and was entitled "Faith Comes before Sight." The message ties in nicely with my blog entry today because Pastor spoke about being blinded by certain things in life: relationships, ambition, money, lust, fame, etc. etc., and the only way out of that spiritual blindness is to have faith. Faith in God, faith that everything will work out. Faith in love, and showing that love to each other. I no longer want to blinded by the trivial things of this world, I want to continue to strengthen my faith so that I can eventually see clearly....so, the moral of today's story is: I still love him. I must not allow my perception of his actions to color my perception, but it is a wake up call for me as well. I need to guard my heart.
As promised to Onika from over at Urban Diva's latest blog entry, How important is communication within the realm of dating and realtionships to you guys? We (meaning all of the women reading my blog) would like to have some honest feedback.